


Without you I'm not clean

by novocaine_sea



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Sad, this is sad im so sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-18
Updated: 2016-07-18
Packaged: 2018-07-24 17:20:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7516717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/novocaine_sea/pseuds/novocaine_sea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He had nothing to say. He didn’t want to go back in that gym. It was too soon. Everything reminded him of the one he'd given his heart to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Without you I'm not clean

**Author's Note:**

> I have an overwhelming desire to hurt my favorite characters I have no other excuses
> 
> Title comes from "Harbor" by Touche Amore
> 
> [Tumblr](http://aizawa-shoutas.tumblr.com/)

Tsukishima is the one who found him.

He hadn’t been at school that day and never answered Tsukishima’s texts so naturally Tsukishima would go over to see if he was alright.

But he wasn’t alright.

Tsukishima was in shock for a good three minutes before he called the police, out of breath and glasses askew on his face. Tsukishima called the boy’s mother next, telling her that something was wrong and she needed to come home immediately. He didn’t specify, didn’t want to have to break the news to her over the phone, and then he hung up and waited for the police.

His mother collapsed into tears when she saw him on the stretcher, lifeless. She had clung to Tsukishima, who awkwardly placed a hand on the middle of her back in comfort, and cried. She asked him if he knew why, _why would Tadashi do this_ , but he didn’t have an answer. The bullies were no longer a threat and he and Tsukishima had just finally confessed to each other. So why, _why did he do this_?

 

Tsukishima did not go to school the next day. Or the day after that. On the third day absent from school and practice, his doorbell rang at around six forty-five that night. He was tucked away in bed as he had been since the night Yamaguchi had been pronounced dead on arrival. His phone had blown up the next day, texts from his teammates bombarding him as news spread. He never unlocked his phone. He let his phone die and did not bother charging it.

He heard hushed voices and then creaking up the stairs. There was a knock on his door and then a crack of light appeared. “Um Kei,” his brother Akiteru’s voice filled the room. Tsukishima made no movement. “The captain and vice captain are here.”

Tsukishima’s breath stilled. Sawamura-san? Sugawara-san? He did not know how they had gotten his address but after some thought he figured Takeda-sensei had given it to them. “…Okay.” He responded, half mumbled into his pillow. He was already reaching for his glasses that he knew were perched neatly on the nightstand next to his bed. He hadn’t worn them in days, hadn’t needed them because he barely left his room.

“Is it okay if I send them up?” Akiteru asked softly. He hadn’t pressed his brother on how he was feeling, knowing it be better to give Tsukishima his space.

“…Fine.” Tsukishima mumbled, slipping his glasses on. The dark room became slightly clearer in the dim light brought on by the hallway. He heard Akiteru leave and he fumbled with the lamp beside him and it flickered on. He let his eyes adjust to the now bright room.

There was another knock on his door and he sat up. He knew his hair was in a state of disarray and his shirt was riding up slightly on his pale stomach but he did not care. He leaned against the headboard and called, “Come in.” Suga and Daichi appeared and kept the door open behind them. Akiteru did not follow.

The two third years took in the room and Tsukishima shifted slightly in his bed. Nobody from school had been inside his house except Yamaguchi and he figured it would always be that way; Tsukishima didn’t really like anybody else enough to invite them in his own home. Now the one person that he had opened his heart to was gone.

“You have a lovely home,” Suga stated, voice echoing slightly in the quiet room. A breath of wind came through Tsukishima’s window.

“Thank you.” Tsukishima responded quietly, picking at the comforter. He knew why they were here but didn’t know how to bring it up. He did not even want to talk about it.

“You haven’t been at practice lately,” Daichi said, arms crossing over his chest. Tsukishima finally met his eyes. Both of them looked tired; more tired than usual. Was practice really that draining or was it something else?

“I don’t…” Tsukishima trailed off quietly. He had nothing to say. He didn’t want to go back in that gym. It was too soon. Everything reminded him of Yamaguchi.

“You know, it’s okay to be sad,” Daichi started again, walking deeper into the room. Suga’s eyes followed him curiously, waiting to step in if he needed to. “But that doesn’t mean you have to be sad alone, Tsukishima. We’re all devastated.”

“Playing volleyball helps,” Suga added. Tsukishima glanced at him. He was running his fingers through his silver hair, a pained expression on his face. “It was something Yamaguchi really worked at, all of us could see him trying so hard. He would want you to keep playing with everybody.”

 _If he wanted me to keep playing with everybody then he shouldn’t have killed himself_. That’s what Tsukishima wanted to say. He wanted to scream. But he didn’t. It was not in his nature to do that, especially not in front of his senpai.

“We’re a team.” Daichi said, looking down at him, “We’re supposed to pick each other up when we’re down. I know you don’t necessarily like relying on people but sometimes you have to in order to try and get better. But,” he clapped his hands together once, slightly startling the blonde, “Nobody can force you to do anything. But I promise if you come to practice it might help.”

“I’ll… think about it.” Tsukishima mumbled.

Suga smiled softly, “You know, we were all worried about you. You never answered your phone.”

“It’s dead.” Tsukishima said in a monotone. Suga flinched at the tone and nodded.

“Ah well… We just wanted to come by and make sure you’re alright.” Suga wrapped a hand around Daichi’s arm and started tugging him towards the door, “Please take care of yourself Tsukishima. Come to practice if you’d like.” Then the two depart, leaving Tsukishima alone. The blonde collapses into his pillows, exhausted from the brief conversation.

 

The funeral was held on Sunday. The team came, along with Tsukishima’s family, having been close to Yamaguchi’s family. Nishinoya and Tanaka try to lighten the mood by poking at Tsukishima, saying that they _“haven’t seen him in years!!!”_ but Tsukishima’s face is blank, eyes unseeing. Hinata and Kageyama surprisingly do not create a scene.

The casket is open and it disturbed Tsukishima to know that there was no life in the familiar body lying there. Yamaguchi looked peaceful, eyes closed, hands locked on his chest. Tsukishima did not look for long, finding himself sick the longer he _did_ stare at Yamaguchi’s unusually pale complexion.

Even from across the room Tsukishima could count the freckles on his unnaturally white skin.

Tsukishima said a few things when it was his turn to speak and then returned to his seat. His chest was tight but he hadn’t cried yet. He did not want to cry; it was not in his nature _to_ cry.

After they lowered his body into the ground, Yamaguchi’s mother approached him, hand outstretched with a piece of paper tucked between her fingers. “I found this in Tadashi’s room with your name on it.” She gives him a sad smile. Even though it’s only been a few days, Tsukishima thinks she looked a bit older.

Tsukishima took it and thanked her. He did not open it until he’s home, sitting in the comfort of his bed and out of the dressy clothes he had worn. When he’s propped up perfectly against the pillows he opens the letter.

_Dear Tsukki_

_I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. Getting rid of those bullies in grade school and now. Always making me feel appreciated. Loving me. Your love is something I’ve cherished since I confessed._

_I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you in person_

_Please keep playing with the team. I know you’d never admit it but I can see that you’re happy playing volleyball_

_I love you Tsukishima Kei_

_~Tadashi_

Tsukishima reread it. He kept rereading it until he couldn’t see anymore. He crumpled it up in his fist and sunk into the sheets, choking on tears that he refused to let flow. They stayed, burning behind his eyelids until he drifted into an anger induced slumber, the paper still clenched in his fist.

 

Tsukishima went to school the next day. He did not go to morning practice.

People stared at him. Whispered behind his back as he walked through the halls. People snuck glances at him during class as he stared at the empty desk that Yamaguchi had once taken up. He half expected the boy to walk through those doors, skittishly taking his seat. He would turn around, his eyes saying _Sorry I’m late Tsukki!_ and then turn back to the front before the teacher could reprimand him.

But that did not happen. Tsukishima finally willed his eyes to look outside at the bare cherry blossom trees and the light blue sky. It was too peaceful outside for how he was feeling.

Tsukishima went to practice that afternoon. He was the last person in the gym. All activity seemed to stop as he tied his shoes. Nobody said anything to him; even Hinata and Kageyama were quiet. He was thankful. He was only doing this for Yamaguchi, because he had asked him to.

They played a practice game. Tsukishima wasn’t really into it. His mind was elsewhere but he tried to play. He hadn’t been paying close enough attention though and received one of Tanaka’s spikes to the face. He fell back onto the floor, spots appeared before his eyes as he was suddenly staring at the ceiling.

“Hey man, shit, I’m sorry.” Tanaka said. The faces of his teammates appeared in his vision. Tsukishima sat up, a little dizzy, propping himself on his hands. He touched his face to make sure he was not bleeding. He wasn’t but his face felt wet.

“Are you crying?” Hinata asked dumbly. Tsukishima was, in fact, crying.

“Shut up,” Tsukishima muttered and wiped at his eyes but the tears did not stop. Yamaguchi’s smile flooded his mind and he took his glasses off, pressing his face into his hands. His shoulders shook in silent sobs. He felt a pair of arms encircle him tightly. He didn’t have to look to know it was Suga.

Other arms were around them and suddenly it was a giant group hug to comfort the one person on the team they never thought they’d see cry. Tsukishima was a quiet but violent crier, gasping for air and wiping at his face every few moments.

“I miss him a lot.” Tsukishima whispered, his voice hoarse. Suga, being the one directly wrapped around him, nodded.

“We know,” Suga sniffed in response, “We miss him too.”

The Karasuno volleyball team sat in a pile of hugs and tears for what seemed like an eternity. Nobody dared to move until all emotions were out. They decided that they would cancel practice for the day, going to Coach Ukai’s store for ice cream with red eyes.

Daichi had been right. It was better to be sad together than be sad alone.

 

The Spring High playoffs approached. Before every match, after chanting “ _Karasuno, fight!”_ the team would declare that they were fighting for Yamaguchi. Daichi put his hand in and looked into the faces of his teammates. “For Yamaguchi.” He said, voice hard.

The ten other teammates placed their hands on top of his, repeating the words. “For Yamaguchi!” They yelled before turning to the court with determination etched into their faces.

They beat every team they faced, even if it was by the skin of their teeth.

And as they cried after their win against Shiratorizawa, Tsukishima looked up to the ceiling and smiled. The first smile in a while.

 _We did it Yamaguchi. We did it for you_.

Then he joined his teammates in celebration, the happiest he’d been in weeks.


End file.
